quotes from classic

Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.

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Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy.

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Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.

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When you become senile, you won't know it.

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The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.

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Old is always fifteen years from now.

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Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

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Every success story has a parent who says, 'over my dead body.' Every success story has an old person who walks up to you and says, when you're acting the fool, 'you know I worry about you sometimes.'

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I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.

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If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.

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For college seniors there should be a week of being allowed to cry. Just break down and cry because you are scared and don't know what's next.

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Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have five children, my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die.

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When you carry a gun, you mean to harm somebody, kill somebody.

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Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger.

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Nothing I've ever done has given me more joys and rewards than being a father to my children.

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When a person has a gun, sometimes their mind clicks that this thing will win arguments and straighten people out.

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There is no job a man can do that is undignified - if he does it well.

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Did you ever see the customers in health - food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half - dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific.

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Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet.

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I'm old, not dead.

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