quotes from classic

Edible - good to eat and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.

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Consul - in American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.

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Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.

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Sabbath - a weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.

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Eulogy. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.

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Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.

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Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be ashamed of.

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Forgetfulness - a gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.

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Historian - a broad-gauge gossip.

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Architect. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.

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Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.

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Creditor. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions.

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What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would ruin the country.

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Irreligion - the principal one of the great faiths of the world.

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Duty - that which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire.

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Life - a spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay.

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Genius - to know without having learned; to draw just conclusions from unknown premises; to discern the soul of things.

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Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.

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Prejudice - a vagrant opinion without visible means of support.

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Backbite. To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you.

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