quotes from classic

Doubt begins only at the last frontiers of what is possible.

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Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

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I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers. What I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats.

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Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.

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Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.

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Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

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It is evident that skepticism, while it makes no actual change in man, always makes him feel better.

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Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

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When you doubt, abstain.

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Honorable, adj.: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."

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Land: A part of the earth's surface, considered as property. The theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the superstructure.

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War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

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We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over.

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Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.

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Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

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Immortality: A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to die for.

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Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.

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I believe we shall come to care about people less and less. The more people one knows the easier it becomes to replace them. It's one of the curses of London.

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Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.

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Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited.

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