quotes from classic

To be positive is to be mistaken at the top of one's voice.

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Childhood: the period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth - two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age.

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Who never doubted, never half believed. Where doubt is, there truth is - it is her shadow.

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Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.

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A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.

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Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.

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Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.

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Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.

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Debt, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slavedriver.

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Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.

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Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art.

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The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.

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Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.

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There are four kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.

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Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.

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Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery.

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Aborigines, n.: Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.

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Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

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Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.

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In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

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