Quotes by Spike Milligan
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I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens.
My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
It's all in the mind, you know.
I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.
Money couldn't buy friends, but you get a better class of enemy.
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Hi vibrato sounded like he was driving a tractor over a ploughed field with weights tied to his scrotum.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.
How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.
I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.
Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.
In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.
I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?
I'm a hero with coward's legs.
I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.
My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
I can speak Esperanto like a native.
It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.
For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.
Do you know what I like about the Irish team ? They are the only team to who come off at the end of the game and ask "Who won ?".
Money can't buy friends, but it can get you a better class of enemy.
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