"PA vows that all gluttony's wicked;
He's always for docking my meat,
And ne'er at dessert will he give me
Enough of what's racy and sweet:
Yet he'll gorge and gorge on at his dinners,
As restless in mouth as in hand;--
Now, say,--if all gluttons are sinners,
Where--where does my 'governor' stand!
"Oh! pa's most impressive on lying;
('Meanest crime in the annals of sin;')
Yet why does he tell folk (through Thomas)
That he's out when he knows that he's in?
And ma's done the same, when she meant not
From house nor from chamber to stir:
I suppose what is punished in me, sir,
Is all right in him or in her!
"Pa says, that good men must be generous,
Self-denying, benevolent, kind;'
Then why does he give those poor beggars
Just nothing? The lame and the blind,
Small orphan, and wan, pining widow,
The gold-covered head and the gray,
Unsoothed and unhelped in their sorrows,
From him turn--how sadly--away!
"Pa counsels fair words of our neighbors;--
Oh! he dotes on the pure 'golden rule;'--
Yet he calls Aunt Selina 'back-biter,'
And he dubs Uncle Reuben 'a fool.'
And when I said 'Young Reub's like his father,'
On what text in reply did pa lean?
Why 'Whoso thou fool shall dare utter,'
Must taste--well, you know what I mean!
"Pa says 'we must reverence our elders;'--
How he harps and he harps upon that;--
Yet grandfather, who's ninety and upward,
He treats like an imbecile 'flat.'
And once when poor grandpa, at breakfast,
Mistook the slop-bowl for his cup,
Pa muttered, 'I wish the old dotard
Were locked--somewhere--heedfully up!'
I don't know what the 'governor's' made of;
But truly, if he were not he,
(I mean if he were not my 'pater'--
Alack! that such fathers should be,)
His name would begin as I spelt it,
With a big blatant H, if you please,
And conclude with the tiniest, meanest,
But most self-sufficient of e's!"
