Quotes by Mark Twain
It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
There are lies, damned lies and statistics.
It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term.
Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon.
It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
Prosperity is the best protector of principle.
Such is the human race, often it seems a pity that Noah... didn't miss the boat.
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.
A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape.
Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.
We are all alike, on the inside.
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little.
I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.
It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native criminal class except Congress.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
