If a single man is studious and quiet, people say
He is grouchy, he is old before his time;
If he's frivolous and flippant, if he treads the primrose way,
Then they mark him for a wild career of crime.
If a man asserts that So-and-So is beautiful or sweet,
He is daffy on the proposition, Girl;
If he's weary in the evening and he keeps his subway seat,
He's immediately branded as a churl.
If he buys a friend a rickey not for any special cause,
He is captain of the lush-and-spendthrift squad;
If, before he spends a million, he will think a bit and pause,
There's a popular impression he's a wad.
If a man attends to business and looks to every chance,
He is mercenary, money-mad, and coarse;
If he thinks of art and letters more than personal finance,
He is lacking in ambition and in force.
If a man but bats his consort oh-so-gently on the head,
If he throttles her a little round the neck,
He's a brute; if he's considerately conjugal instead,
Everybody calls him Mr. Henry Peck.
Lowers Scylla--frowns Charybdis--and the bark is like to sink--
This the symbolistic moral of my rhyme--
If Opinion trims your sails and if you care what people think
You will have a most unhappy sort of time.
